


Unpopularity Contest

by Chaos_Valkyrie



Series: Agent O [6]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Attempted Murder, Enemies to Friends, Frenemies, LOVEMUFFIN - Freeform, M/M, Ocelot!Heinz, Slow Build, human!perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6609169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Valkyrie/pseuds/Chaos_Valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Welcome to LOVEMUFFIN’s Annual Pageant of Evil!” the MC announced, his microphone free hand held out in a wave to the audience’s applause. “These three contestants will compete for the chance to become your new supreme leader!"</p>
<p>And Heinz, Newton and Peter have the front row seats.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unpopularity Contest

**Author's Note:**

> So, our favorite boys are basically best frenemies at this point, but neither quite seem to realize it yet.

Eight months into his nemesis-ship with Doctor B found Heinz momentarily hitting the lowest point of his professional career. Today’s mission had been simple – follow the Doctor to the LOVEMUFFIN meeting and gather intelligence on the election of their new leader.

Of course, this was Doctor B. Heinz had only just assumed his surveillance position when it seemed like he blinked, and was suddenly trapped in a Cone of Shame and a full set of paw cuffs, the evil doctor smiling over him.

Doctor B then hoisted him up under his arm and carted him off into a non-descript black van. Once Heinz was buckled in, Doctor B signed something about, ‘he was just in time for them to get to the meeting,’ before he pulled out into traffic.

Heinz growled lowly in his throat as Monogram buzzed in his earwig. He had to maintain surveillance until the event was over – hence, untold hours in this high plastic collar of doom.

Heinz grumbled out loud to himself about where Monogram could shove his surveillance for the next half-hour of the car-ride, refusing to acknowledge the occasional chuffing laughter from the driver’s seat, because… Cone of Shame. You utter bastard, Doctor B.

They arrived at the Danville Arena and parked in the reserved parking – which Heinz would’ve normally made note of had he not been so pissed off – and made their way through registration quickly enough. He might have been more impressed at Doctor B’s arm strength, i.e., keeping all 40-some lbs of him tucked carefully and steadily under one arm through the whole ordeal, had he not been trapped in the Cone of Shame.

And no, Heinz was not going to let this one go. Period. There were some lines that were never to be crossed between nemeses, and the CoS was one of them.

“Why, hello Slouchy, fancy seeing you here,” came a grating, sing-song voice. Heinz bristled in Doctor B’s grip, his hackles rising as he hissed menacingly at von Roddenstein. He willfully chose to ignore his instinctive refusal to claw at Doctor B in his ire.

“And a Cone of Shame! How far OWCA’s old guard have fallen,” Rodney teased, until a churring growl came from Heinz’s immediate right. Both former nemeses looked over to Doctor B, who was also glaring menacingly at von Roddenstein.

“Ah, you must be Doctor Platypus,” Rodney sneered derisively. “I look forward to trouncing you in the competition.” Rodney gave Doctor B a smarmy once-over, then slunk off. Doctor B followed him with narrowed eyes until he was out of sight, and then looked at Heinz concernedly. ‘What was that,’ he finger-spelled.

Heinz snorted then turned away, ignoring Doctor B’s pout. CoS, he reminded himself.

He could just feel Doctor B roll his eyes before he carted him down the aisles of the arena to the reserved, front row, center seats. Heinz’s ears flattened when he recognized the other trapped occupants of the area.

‘Agent O!’ Agent Silent-G a.k.a. Newton the Gnu enthused from his acrylic prison, even as Peter the Panda snorted at Heinz’s CoS. 

Heinz nodded respectably at Agent S-G, then glared at Agent P. ‘Gentlemen,’ he nodded politely, in the language of all animals. Doctor B deposited him gently in the center seat, but Heinz still refused to acknowledge him.

‘Agent Cone-of-Shame,’ Peter sneered from his right, while Newton gasped from his other side

‘You shouldn’t talk to him that way! He’s a living legend!’ the Gnu raged, his voice a grunting roar to any anyone else.

Heinz growled, ready to rip Peter the Panda a new arse-hole, when he heard a snort of realization from above him. He had barely glanced up at Doctor B when he felt his nemesis’ deft fingers flitting at his neck. The collar was whisked away abruptly, to the Agents’ shock. Doctor B nodded and signed at Heinz apologetically, before disappearing into the crowds.

‘Do you think he understood us?’ Newton asked, stunned.

‘How could he,’ Peter snorted. ‘He’s as perfectly human as they get.’

Heinz, even as he bristled at Peter’s tone of grudging admiration, was not so sure.

*****

An OWCA agent’s fedora was far heavier than most people understood.

The Hat actually contained a number of weapons, lock picks, snacks, signaling and monitoring devices that tended to weigh heavily on any agent’s head.

And every single ounce of that weight, for every single one of his years as an agent, was paying off right now.

Right now, for the LOVEMUFFIN conference opening musical number.

Because Heinz did so love a fantastic, good-or-evil musical number.

And the CoS was totally forgiven for all of Doctor B’s blatant disdain of said musical number.

Did he mention that this was being recorded by the camera in his Hat? Because this was so going-to-be his newest most-played video-file.

Heinz found himself tapping his paw along to the bouncy jingle, as the evil scientists jaunted about the stage.

Well, almost all of the evil scientists. Doctor B followed the footwork, but glared out at the audience, arms crossed, his most dissatisfied expression on his face. Doctor B was most obviously not amused. 

That look only deepened when Heinz smirked and waved with one paw.

It should’ve been obvious before, but Heinz suddenly realized that his Doctor was a major contestant in tonight’s competition. He blamed the Cone of Shame, and all its humiliating distractions. 

He knew that Doctor B had been Australia’s LOVEMUFFIN leader. Knew just how focused, how professionally evil his nemesis was. It should’ve been obvious before now.

The three contestants introduced themselves, Doctor B merely glaring and holding up a sign proclaiming that he was ‘Doctor Platypus, former-Australian LOVEMUFFIN Chapter leader’.

‘Rodney was pushing for a height limit this year,’ Peter snorted, ‘but the council overturned it. Would’ve disqualified both of your nemeses.’

‘Of course they overturned it. No one wants Rodney in charge anymore,’ Heinz sneered, while Newton huffed a laugh beside him. 

Peter grunted. ‘At least mine can talk.’

Heinz turned and hissed at other agent, baring his teeth. ‘He talks! Sign-language is talking, you jackass!’

‘Guys, arguing isn’t going to help anything,’ Newton interrupted, ‘and, fyi, the competition is starting.’

The other two agents glared at each other before returning their attention forward. 

“Welcome to LOVEMUFFIN’s Annual Pageant of Evil!” the MC announced, his microphone free hand held out in a wave to the audience’s applause. “These three contestants will compete for the chance to become your new supreme leader! Remember, points will be awarded by the audience, so get out your voting boxes now!”

Heinz looked around, but apparently guest-nemeses didn’t get to vote, judging by their lack of vote-consoles. 

Probably a good thing, they were all three totally biased. He knew he’d always vote for Doctor B.

“And now, for the first event,” the MC smiled, “Each of our contestants have been given a box full of identical spare parts. Each will have twenty minutes to make something with those parts that will then be used to intimidate the others. The most intimidating invention wins!”

The three scientists each stood at one of three steel tables laid out in a triangular formation, each waiting for the signal to start.

“Contestants, take your marks, get set… Begin!”

The three men upended their boxes, grabbing tools and assembling parts at incredible speed. Heinz found it a fascinating insight into their different processes and skill levels.

Heinz himself was incredibly slapdash under this kind of pressure. The few times he’d had to rework an –inator (mostly when fighting Kevin) he could generally subvert its intended purpose, but it also usually led to some unintended side effects. The same happened when he had to rework something under the wire for OWCA usage – it was why he automatically included a self-destruct/reverse button, just in case.

Diminutive tended to sweat profusely when under pressure, muttering to himself and periodically wiping his forehead as he tinkered.

Rodney just smirked and randomly let out a smarmy little chuckle while his hands moved frantically.

Doctor B was just as cool under pressure as Heinz would’ve expected. Incredibly focused, hands briskly combining parts. But Heinz, familiar with Doctor B as he was, doubted that anyone else in the room noticed the tiny little smirk that occasionally twitched the corner of the Doctor’s lips.

At the fifteen minute mark, Rodney’s and Diminutive’s heads shot up. Doctor B didn’t outwardly move, but Heinz noticed his eyes shoot up to eye the others even as his hands finished soldering the final parts of his –inator.

Heinz’s claws dug deep into the cushion of his chair.

Diminutive grabbed his gun with both hands, but the nozzle was still aimed at the table. Doctor B held himself totally still. Rodney cackled and aimed his gun at himself.

The audience gasped. Heinz’s claws dug deeper, into the chair frame.

“Once I blast myself with this Evil-inizor –“ Rodney’s monologue was interrupted simultaneously. Diminutive aimed and fired at Rodney. Doctor B kicked his table over and, taking shelter behind it, shot the gun out of Rodney’s hand. As Rodney staggered back, Doctor B and Diminutive shot at each other – Doctor B landed a clean hit, while Diminutive grazed the steel tabletop, which reflected the shot back towards himself.

“Well poo,” he whined as he was hit with his own laser beam, while Doctor B fired an additional shot at Rodney.

Heinz let out a quick breath, then grinned and retracted his claws. He knew his nemesis was better.

The audience watched as Rodney and Diminutive both simultaneously shrunk and gained extra appendages. Doctor B put down his gun, then casually walked over to the others, grabbing each by the scruff of their necks and holding them up to the audience.

The agents snorted at the tiny little bunny-men, while the rest of the audience laughed and started hitting buttons.

‘So…’ Newton began, ‘mine created a Shrink-irator to make them smaller than himself…’

‘And mine created an Evil-inizor to make himself more intimidating,’ Peter continued.

They both looked to Heinz. He smirked, keeping his eyes set on Doctor B. ‘And mine created a Bunny-inator to make the others as harmless as possible.’

Peter snorted. ‘Obviously he’s never met Dennis.’

Heinz nodded reluctantly in agreement. ‘Obviously.’

Newton looked between them. ‘Do I want to know?’

‘We’ll tell you later,’ they both said in unison, then glared at each other disdainfully.

*****

The votes from the first round totaled up into Doctor B’s favor. Doctor Diminutive came in a distant second, while Rodney had practically no points.

Had he not paused to monologue, things might’ve been different.

After a brief intermission, in which the other evil doctors were reverted to their normal selves, round two began.

“And now we’re here with everyone’s favorite, the swimwear competition!” the MC roared, waving his hand towards the curtain. The fabric panels tore open quickly, to reveal…

“Here comes Doctor Diminutive, wearing swim attire inspired by the legendary Klimpaloon, the magical old-timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas! Watch out for that yeti, Dim!” the MC announced, while Dr. Diminutive posed.

“And next is Rodney in his… oh my gosh!” the MC gasped as the curtain opened to reveal a swamp creature in its tank. It leapt out of the water, pulling at the top of its head to reveal… von Roddenstein.

“Well, technically, it is a swimsuit,” he leered at the audience, reluctant clicking starting up in the background.

Rodney might have had it in the bag with his swamp creature costume, but then Doctor B walked out.

It wasn’t anything revealing, per say. It was a black wetsuit with teal highlights, the kind a professional surfer might wear. But the clinginess of the suit meant that it well showed off Doctor B’s incredibly toned physique, if the squeals of the female (and some of the male) scientists was anything to go by. Heinz’s ears went back as he could practically feel the fan-people swoon behind him.

And then Doctor B smiled a smug little grin, his hands on his hips. The sound of button clicking rose into a frenzy, and the doctor winked at Heinz. The ocelot wasn’t sure if he should be proud or embarrassed that his nemesis had no shame. He was happy that his fur hid his blush. 

…of shame. Totally a blush of shame. Definitely.

*****

As soon as the audience adjourned to the second intermission, a group of hired muscle came and escorted the trapped agents onto the stage, behind the curtains.

Heinz’s gut was churning. He knew no good would come of being on stage. He palmed a lockpick from his fedora and quickly disengaged his hind-leg-cuffs. He looked to Agents P and S-G, but while they struggled, they were far more efficiently trapped than Heinz.

He silently thanked Doctor B for removing the Cone of Shame. He’d never have been able to reach his hat – and lock picks – with it still on.

The curtain peeled open, and Heinz carefully shifted so that no one would notice the state of his hind-cuffs.

“And now, for the final event…” the MC announced reluctantly. Heinz looked at the scientists, and was not surprised to see the looks of shock on Doctor B’s and Dim’s faces. And the utter lack of surprise on Rodney’s.

With sudden clarity, Heinz knew where this was headed. He pushed down his own feelings on the matter, and prepared himself to strike.

“For the final round, ladies and gentlemen,” the MC stalled, “we give you the ultimate test of Evil.”

‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this,’ Agent S-G moaned, and Heinz slowly nodded, focused on the scene before him.

“Here,” the MC yanked a cloth cover from the solitary table before the scientists, “we have three ray-guns. Each gun is set to either stun or kill. The object of the final round,” the MC gulped hard, “Take up one gun and fire it at your nemesis to prove just how evil you are.”

The audience was dead silent – Heinz preferred to think it was with horror. He was gratified to notice Doctors B and Dim turn to each other in utter disbelief.

But his attention was mostly on Rodney. Rodney, who had tried, really, truly tried, to kill Heinz so many years ago.

Rodney didn’t hesitate at all. And neither did Heinz.

Rodney plucked the nearest gun up from the table, aimed it at Peter…

And Heinz was already in motion. Ignoring everything else, he lunged towards Rodney, thrusting his still-manacled front paws upwards to strike at Rodney’s wrist, turning the gun upwards where the blast tore a hole through the ceiling of the arena…

“Curse you, Agent Ocelot,” Rodney screamed, kicking Heinz in the chest, throwing him back as he re-aimed the gun towards Heinz…

Only to have it pushed up once more by Doctor B’s left hand, as Doctor B’s right fist made solid contact with Rodney’s face.

Rodney slid across the stage, unconscious.

Doctor B turned to Heinz once he made sure Rodney was completely out of commission.

‘Are you okay,’ he signed frantically. He pulled the key to Heinz’s cuffs from his pocket, and Heinz was weary enough to let him release him without struggle.

‘I’m fine,’ Heinz signed back. He grinned, briefly, at Doctor B, before padding over to release a somewhat shocked Peter from his own restraints.

Peter didn’t acknowledge him. Heinz was fine with that. He’d been on that side of Rodney’s ire too, once. 

The MC roared back into life as Heinz made his way over to Silent-G’s acrylic cage.

“The votes are now in! I now present to you the new supreme leader of LOVEMUFFIN, Doctor Diminutive!”

Heinz pushed the button that released Silent-G’s cage, and turned to find both Doctor B and Doctor Dim staring at them. Peter was already gone.

“Thanks,” Doctor Dim said in a low voice, “I couldn’t actually kill my nemesis either.” He nodded, wide-eyed to Silent-G, who smiled softly in reply back. Doctor Dim then turned to the crowds, and the curtain fell to mask Doctor B and the two agents.

Agent Silent-G looked between the two, nodded gratefully to Heinz, before turning and leaving himself.

Heinz turned to his own evil scientist, who grinned and shrugged at Heinz.

‘Want to go get a hotdog,’ Doctor B signed to him lazily, ‘you like hotdogs right?’

**Author's Note:**

> Silent-G is a fanboy of Heinz, as he should be. Peter… not so much. I actually do like Peter the Panda, (go read Hold Your Peace by Grayce Adams, its awesome) but he’s not well liked by my Perry or Heinz, for reasons you’ll see later. He’s treated better in some of the other stories I’m writing, promise.
> 
> Doctor B used the CoS to keep Heinz from reaching his hat… and because he thought it was cute. He just didn’t realize it was a grave insult to animal agents.
> 
> Oh, and they’re not consciously flirting with each other yet… but they’re not not flirting either. They’re just silly, oblivious boys.
> 
> In regards to the LOVEMUFFIN episode, I kept the swimsuit competition b/c it amused me. I tossed out the robo-mother competition because it obviously didn’t fit without Lawrence and Human!Heinz. The glaring competition was transformed to the first round, -inator comp, and the third round… well, this is where things start to get a little more real, and little bit darker. Not much though... this series'll have angst, but there's enough fluffiness to hopefully make up for it.


End file.
